Logically Illogical (PG-13 Warning: Satire ahead)

[perhapsormaybe]

author's note: Realized we didn't have a section for just plain comedy yet. Also, this story was basically written last night in the shower while "The Real Slim Shady" kept running through my head. It will not make sense. At all. It will be OOC, mainly done on purpose. This will probably be my comedy entry for cliches, we'll see. It won't be very long (probably just a few 'parts'), but I may want to tune it up before formally submitting it. I'm going to make fun of as many cliches as I can, including some bad writing I've come across...but some of it's poking fun at good writers, too, though (almost everyone's done at least one cliche...). Hopefully this is as funny as I think it is.

This is a satire piece. It is meant to be one big joke. If you don't have a sense of humor, this is not for you.

Part one: MPreggers vs. Traditional

"You can't be pregnant," Ben insisted, staring at his cousin's stomach.

"Yes, I can be."

"But who's the father?" Ben demanded. Gwen rolled her eyes.

"Kevin, obviously."

"....he didn't!" Ben groaned, pounding a fist on the table. "I can't believe that jerk...wait...how have you even had time to ..uh...'be' with him, anyways? He went back to being evil a few years ago..."

"He was stalking me."

"...so...you slept with him. Even though he was stalking you."

"Yep, that pretty much explains it."

"Well, that's going to make this harder to hear," Ben said, putting a hand on his own stomach. "Kevin's the father of my baby, too."

Gwen spat out her orange juice. "...that's not physically possible."

"Doctors can do amazing things these days," Ben said, crossing his arms over his stomach.

"Yeah, but how could Kevin be the father unless he was willing?"

"He's been stalking me, too," Ben said. "It just sort of lead somewhere. So, now we're going to have a baby together."

"...so yours was completely on purpose, even though Kevin's still on the bad guy side?"

"Yep."

Gwen sighed. "Great. Well, I guess that means Kevin knows about you being pregnant?"

"He knows I was trying. He doesn't know it took. Does he know you're pregnant?"

"Nope. I figured I wouldn't tell him, I'd let him show up to stalk me again...he usually turns up at least once a year, so he'd see for himself soon enough. When are you going to see him?"

"I don't know...sometimes I kind of stalk him. Sometimes he stalks me. Sooner or later we'll run into each other, probably during some tech deal."

"Wait...wait..." Gwen held up her hands, "What happened to Julie? You were dating her...did you cheat on her with Kevin, or?"

"Oh, her? She got ran over by a bus."

"...you seem very calm about this..."

"Oh, yeah, I got over it pretty quick," Ben admitted. "I guess I just secretly found her annoying. Plus I had Kevin to fall back on. But why aren't you mad at me? You know, for stealing Kevin?"

"Because I've got a photo collection of you two together. You're actually very cute. I started a fan club."

"...Oh."

"Besides, I'm carrying his baby too."

"I wonder how Kevin feels about all of this," Ben pondered, rubbing his chin.

"We'll find out soon enough," Gwen insisted. "He'll steal something soon, you and I will have to stop him...."

"Isn't it usually just one of us? and last time you were too angry with him to go.."

"Yeah, we do kind of trade off, don't we?" Gwen mused. "Every other time, you go and you're angry at him while I stay home because I don't want to fight him, or I go and ...you stay home and you're angry at him, but I'm trying to protect him from you..."

"What was that last part?"

"Nothing, nothing."

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Author's note: So, I know this makes no sense. It's not supposed to. I'll probably be making fun of stories I've written myself too (expect future!Kevin in here at some point). The whole point of the contest is that there are so many cliches that keep getting written over and over again. Pregnancy and Evil!Kevin seem to be the most popular....I couldn't mix both seriously (it'd be fun, but I couldn't write properly), so I opted for this.

To people who love Julie: She was not hit by a bus because I don't like her. It's a reference to all the people who try to conveniently get rid of her in order to put Ben with who they want. I do not want Julie to be hit by a bus.

[fierysue]

OH LOL!

Seriously, I cracked up so many times during this part! You have an amazing eye for comedy! *cough*IwanttodoonejustlikeyoursbutwouldmajorlfailsoI'lljuststicktomyownniche*cough*

ANYWAY, the commentary:

"....he didn't!" Ben groaned, pounding a fist on the table. "I can't believe that jerk...wait...how have you even had time to ..uh...'be' with him, anyways? He went back to being evil a few years ago..."

"He was stalking me."

"...so...you slept with him. Even though he was stalking you."

I guess Gwen enjoys being stalked...

Gwen spat out her orange juice. "...that's not physically possible."

"Doctors can do amazing things these days," Ben said, crossing his arms over his stomach.

So does that mean theycanconvertspermtoeggandviceversa?

"He knows I was trying. He doesn't know it took. Does he know you're pregnant?"

And Kevin let you try?

"Nope. I figured I wouldn't tell him, I'd let him show up to stalk me again...he usually turns up at least once a year, so he'd see for himself soon enough. When are you going to see him?"

More proof Gwen doesn't mind being stalked.

"Oh, her? She got ran over by a bus."

"...you seem very calm about this..."

Ben and Gwen aren't really close after all.

"Because I've got a photo collection of you two together. You're actually very cute. I started a fan club."

She secretly wants a threesome.

"I wonder how Kevin feels about all of this," Ben pondered, rubbing his chin.

Ben should know that as long as Kevin doesn't know, Kevin won't feel anything regarding their , uh, predicament.

"We'll find out soon enough," Gwen insisted. "He'll steal something soon, you and I will have to stop him...."

Right, and he'll see both Ben and Gwen's bulging stomachs. Kevin, maybe being not quite intelligent, might think they just gained weight - a lot of weight - and became obese (andwonderwhyheevenwentafterthemlol!).

"Yeah, we do kind of trade off, don't we?" Gwen mused. "Every other time, you go and you're angry at him while I stay home because I don't want to fight him, or I go and ...you stay home and you're angry at him, but I'm trying to protect him from you..."

All I can say is -

Kevin needs protecting?

(AndGwenthinkssheshouldprotectKevinnotBenOMGwhatiscomingtotheworld... She'sfreakingobsessedwithhim - that's a correct cliche, lol!)

So that was pretty much everything - then again, it was pretty freaking hilarious!

[girlperson25]

LOLOLOL this made my day.

[Lady Lasa]

This was great. It was absolutely hilarious. I loved it!

[perhapsormaybe]

Note: You guys have no idea how relieved I am that you did find the story funny. I was worried everyone would be staring at it going "....wtf is wrong with her?!"

Part Two: I'm just no good for you! Uh...Either of You...


------------------

Kevin Ethan Levin clutched the picture tightly in his hands, crinkling the paper there. It was too late. He could never get it back now. Not with either of them...

Except, of course, for that time last month when he and Gwen slept together.

Or the time less than twenty-four hours later that he and Ben had had some fun in the backseat of his car.

But those were the only exceptions. ...Aside from all those other times.

He'd broken out of the Null Void for the thirty eight thousandth time this year, and he was determined not to go back. He wouldn't let Ben or Gwen catch him and put him back. Not this time. Not like the previous thirty eight thousand times.

But he couldn't escape all the thoughts of what he did wrong. And yet he smiled so sadistically as he did them, his eyes alight as he broke someone's bones into pieces - but he always felt bad afterwards.

But Gwen and Ben would never allow him back. He was once more, a tech dealer, forced to choose between Gwen and Ben or being a trader again, the decision had been made for him when the cousins found out and, in a most uncharacteristic move, refused to forgive him, even though he'd only traded a few pieces here and there, and none were weapons.

who knew he'd be reduced to this for selling parts to a new level 3 technology spork?

He felt no remorse over having been with Gwen a few weeks ago. He'd pushed himself on her, kissing her. She had insisted she wanted him to go away, but then she'd kissed back. She always kissed back.

Ben was a little more difficult. He'd fight Kevin will all ferocity in tact, not allowing Kevin to get in a kiss. But Ben usually crumpled at a few words from the convict, so there really was nothing to it.

Neither of the cousins ever came for him with a team. They were both so insistent on doing it themselves. They didn't even pair up with one another to take him down.

Kevin let out a laugh at himself, at what his life had become. He was, once again, a monster. Not the literal monster he'd been at eleven that for some reason he could not seem to get over the fear of turning back into, even though he'd been to counseling several times, but a more figurative monster. One that didn't mind hurting Gwen or Ben, maybe even enjoyed it.

But he wasn't evil, even though he did these evil things. He longed to hold them both in his arms (both, because he could not quite decide which one to take), maybe even force them to be with him. Just so he wouldn't be alone anymore.

The loneliness crushed him like icy, cold ...loneliness. No one loved him, and he loved no one. Except, maybe he did, but he wasn't going to tell anyone about that.

Nor was he able to predict that Gwen and Ben both had news for him of impending arrivals....

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Note: trying to make a bit of fun at the whole 'poetic!Kevin' thing (which drives me crazier than anything else...Kevin is not a poet. No, not even one who just 'doesn't know it'.) As you've probably guessed, another cliche will be the Origin of Devlin and Ken. I know there's so many conflicting statements in this chapter, but go back and read some of the uh...less talented versions of Evil!Kevin. They often flip back and forth between "Roar, I Evil!Kevin, I love NO ONE!" and "Oh, Gwen/Ben if I could only have you back, I would stop being an evil outlaw, even though you weren't enough to stop me in the first place....assuming that I was trading something that got you or another Plumber hurt."

[fierysue]

Lolol, I just ROFLMAO'd at this.

(See, the hilarity of this has reduced me to brains of mush and annoying chatspeak).

The sad thing is that this one is Kevin-centric, and I can't make fun of Kevin thinking to himself. Darn. So no commentary *cheers of hurrahs*.

But hilarious chapter at any rate. And as for the poetic Kevin - what can I say, it's a guilty pleasure...

[perhapsormaybe]

Oh, I don't think your Kevin is bad. You're not the one going "he looked into her sparkling emerald green eyes, thinking to himself how beautiful and how deep they went, how they seemed to see right through him. She was his angel. But he was her monster" sort of thing (...I sound like Stephanie Myers. *smacks self*). You write him very much in character (trust me, friends don't let friends write bad fanfiction. One of us would let you know if you were OOC)

[fierysue]

That's reassuring.

OMG, now I'm begging you to write a Stephenie Meyer!Kevin. Please, for the love of all that is holy, attempt it (or I'll do it for myself, heheh... ), because THAT would be the satire of all.

And it doesn't even have to be Gwen (for even more major lols)...

[perhapsormaybe]

....You realize what you have started? I may have to do that. *laughs* ....God, it would be awful.

10 bucks says that if I don't say it's a parody, someone would write back about how great it is. (Not to be vain...I'm just saying, there are authors out there recieving acolades for this kind of dreck, at least one person's going to fall for it)

Actually, I think I will devote one chapter of this story into being a long winded, overly romanticized knock off of SMyers' writing. For the lulz.

[fierysue]

The lulz is awesome. And yes, I know what I've started, and no, it will not be awful. It will be funny, and I will laugh.

And if people say it's awesome, yes, it is. Because it's a parody and it's hilarious, and if people take it seriously, then it's their POV, not ours...

[perhapsormaybe]

Well, I'm just going to write a chapter that's basically what Smeyer would do to Kevin (she can not have him, he is ours and we love him too much to let him be hurt by her. She can keep her sparkly vampires. We will keep our metallic bad boys gone good).

[Lady Lasa]

I patiently await more epic lulz.

I'm almost afraid to see what Smeyer would do to Kevin if she had the chance. I mean, look how badly she screwed with the vamp genre! Ok, I'll save you from my rant on that...

anyways, I've already mentioned how hilarious this is. I agree though, I'm sure a lot of people would fall for it and think it was serious (and love it) if you didn't mention it was satire. Then I'd have to laugh at them... publicly. Which would probably result in my getting banned from FFNet.

[fierysue]

Haha. Good thing we can't comment on other people's reviews on FF.net unless we check then and review based on what everyone else says. And no one would ban you unless they reported you (and you'll probably argue that it's not a risk worth taking).

I still like the Twilight-referenced Ben 10 fic from Reya Wild. Kevin is so funny:

“But look at how cheesy this is! He’s a vampire, but he doesn’t have fangs! What kind of vampire is that? It’s like they neutered him! And what the hell? He’s standing in the sun and sparkling! What kind of vampire freakin’ sparkles?”

And that's why we love Kevin - although it would be interesting to see a Kevin from the other side. Hence the lulz...

[perhapsormaybe]

*laughs* which is why I won't make a seperate fanfic out of it. It'll be a later chapter in this, that way it *should* be obvious that it's parady (and if it isn't...well, we shall see what happens to those reviewers. we shall see...)

We will protect our Kevie! ...except from me, because I am only doing it for the lulz. And he's not safe from any of you if you want to do the same (honestly, I encourage it. This is ridiculously fun to write...)

[takashirika]

lol, this was funny, my stomache actually hurts. XD